WPC Ep.12: Connection in the Midst of Betrayal: Healing from Infidelity through Meaningful Shared Experiences

Romantic relationships are multi-dimensional due to many factors, including culture, societal expectations, and the meaning we place on our connections. One vulnerability lies within all relationships and that is the potential for infidelity and betrayal. Licensed marriage and family therapists, Traci Zajdel and Dr. Racine Henry, discuss factors that contribute to infidelity and betrayal as well as Dr. Henry’s innovative couples therapy modality that promotes healing and connection in couples.

A Palate For Love by Dr. Racine Henry https://a.co/d/5iVhT9X

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:00

Welcome to the Whole Person Center podcast. Our mission is to improve the human condition by providing resources, research and training opportunities, and direct health services while supporting the development of highly competent professionals.

SPEAKER_00: 0:17

Hello everyone. My name is Tracy Zidell, and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and National University doctoral student. In collaboration with the Whole Person Center, I'm diving into the topic of infidelity and betrayal, one that's very important to me in my therapeutic work with couples, particularly military couples. For the purposes of the conversation today, I want to center the concept of infidelity and betrayal as any violation of or going against a set of relationship agreements between romantic partners with a particular emphasis on this idea of agreements. Infidelity and betrayal is a pervasive issue for couples that can just tear apart the foundations of relationship trust and loyalty. And it's a very multi-dimensional concept and can be very complicated territory to navigate in the therapeutic space. So today I have the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Racine Henry, who's a shining star in the field and is my dear friend. A lot of her career has been devoted to couples' work and shining a light on some of the most intricate relationship dynamics. And she is here to offer some of her own perspective on the area of infidelity and betrayal and her innovative way of addressing this issue in relationships. So, Dr. Henry, just tell me a little bit about what led you to develop your interest and your background and professional experiences.

SPEAKER_01: 1:49

Sure. Thank you, Tracy, for having me. My interest in couples really began before I even became an MFT. I remember going into the grad program at Baldasta State and thinking that we'd be learning about love and emotions and all these really nice and fluffy things. I was happily surprised to learn that there was a science behind relationships and a science behind how we relate to ourselves in the world and other people. That just sort of compounded my interest in relationships that was already in existence. I did an undergrad independent study on the black family during slavery and learned a lot about how enslaved black people at that time went to such lengths to maintain relationships, walking miles to see their partners, marrying, even though it was against the law, and really trying to hold on to that sense of identity, but also community and relation. So once I got into the clinical work at Valdassa State, I really saw that I preferred working with couples more than anything else. And luckily I had the sort of autonomy as a student and intern to hone my focus in that realm. I sought out other trainings, I did a lot of research on infidelity, especially because that topic always fascinated me as well. And I really wanted to understand how do you help a couple rebuild from such an injury, but also what sort of elements go into that injury occurring in the first place. Once I left Valdasta and went to my PhD program, um I had less room to focus on couples, but my interest didn't really leave at all. It just heightened. And I started thinking about the impact that heartbreak especially has on people, on our emotional development, on our neuroplasticity, all those kinds of topics. And at the time I had a classmate who was um in AA, and we spoke a lot about um a documentary that I saw that said love activates the same part of the brain as addictions do. And I thought that was really fascinating to think about being in love or being in a romantic relationship and having this same kind of draw and the same kind of um like unbreakable bond that a person might have when they're going through addiction or trying to heal from an addiction or trying to maintain their sobriety at the very least. And so that sort of spawned into um how can working with couples and relationships, for me at least, be as um organic as possible, and how can that be done in a way where the couples feel that this is not intrusive, that it is a welcomed part of their life? We know that therapy can often be this really odd concept as a whole, if you think about it. And getting two people to buy into that process can be really difficult. So as I went through my doctoral program and into my you know early career, I thought about the things that I love to do as a person, and one of those things is cook and share food with other people, and so that sort of developed into the model that I'm um in the middle of working on, which is called integrative culinary therapy. And in that model that I've created, I meet with couples in a cooking space every other session, and we go through culinary exercises that are built on psychotherapeutic sort of um foundational um couples-related techniques. So communication, problem solving, trust building, all of those things are sort of tied into the various exercises my couples go through. And in the sessions in between, we do regular talk therapy to process the cooking sessions, but also to think about how we can use that more tactical time to address these couples' um issues. And my private practice focuses on treating black couples, interracial couples, and non-monogamous couples. And that sort of happened by accident, not by design at all. And so my focus is really on treating minoritized couples and thinking about how therapy can be more accessible and feel more culturally sound, being that there aren't any models of therapy or mental health treatment that are built for black people, especially. And there aren't pilot studies that have black people as their like primary data set, right? So, in my study, that is the case. My couples are all black-identified couples with various identities, and it's really important that um as a black clinician, I find ways to work with my community that feel um culturally sound, but also feel right and feel comfortable. Um, in 2021, how to find a black therapist was one of the most searched Google phrases. So that shows that black people are seeking therapy more and more often, while we're also going through this sociopolitical time in our country where identifying as black can mean a lot of hardships and a lot of um systemic oppression for people and couples. So that is definitely a big part of the work that I do with these couples. And the model of integrative culinary therapy is really built on establishing cultural intimacy. So the couples are cooking dishes from their identified cultures, they're sharing that with their partners and thinking about this other layer of communication, other layer of understanding that stems from, you know, who raised us and where we were raised and what we were taught about love and relationships and how that plays out in our current adult romantic relationships.

SPEAKER_00: 7:33

Wow, that is such important work, such inspiring work. And uh I know I feel like so much of the relationship dynamic is embedded in cultural expectations and cultural meanings around um just what it means to be in relationship with another person. Um, so I'm curious, I I wanted to talk a little bit about mononormativity because it just encompasses this idea that monogamy is considered a gold standard for a relationship structure. But as we know, um I think there are as many different ways to see relationships as there are people in the world. And um this idea of mononormativity, it's so prevalent in our culture here in the Western society, uh, but it also uh really shapes expectations and reactions to the different things that happen in relationships, such as infidelity and betrayal. Um, so I'm wondering, you know, how how do you see it shaping the infidelity and betrayal that you uh encounter in your work? And and also just as a whole, how do you see that shaping this concept of infidelity and betrayal?

SPEAKER_01: 8:44

That's a great question. One of the very first things I had to learn when working with non-monogamous couples was that the possibility of betrayal still existed. It was just very different than what I was used to in working with monogamous couples, right? And I think the misconception is that non-monogamy means a free-for-all and that there are no rules, and you know, it's just sort of open season on love and connection. And it's actually the opposite. I find that non-monogamous couples have more rules and boundaries than monogamous couples do, that they sort of take the time to clearly define the boundaries of their connection and what it means to have multiple partners. But there's always this hierarchical system that really fascinates me and really sort of shows that even though we're open to connection, we still want there to be respect. We still want there to be something sacred about each connection and where that lies within this sort of zeitgeist of um non-monogamy as a whole. So I think there's a lot that monogamous couples can learn from non-monogamous couples in that way. I think they are just more intentional and more purposeful about how they define relationships and what that means about every action and every, you know, conversation or every form of communication. Something that I learned from one of my professors at Valdasta was that it's impossible to not communicate, right? That you're always communicating. And I think that gets overlooked in the realm of relationships because there's so much assumption and there's so much of this idea that, well, everyone knows what it means to be in a relationship. Everyone knows what it means to be faithful, but that's not true, right? I know what that means for me, you know what that means for you. And unless we discuss it, we're operating on two different ideas of the same word or phrase. And that's where I think things like infidelity and this issue of emotional injury really can take place in a relationship.

SPEAKER_00: 10:46

Absolutely. Um, and I I agree when it comes to non-monogamy, uh, there's so much intentionality there. And, you know, you I go back to what you said about that sort of fluffy side of love and and you know, that bright, shiny new feeling that that most everyone gets uh when you start a relationship. I often wonder if that that is taken for granted and you know that there's a a period of time that can be very critical in relationships where these sort of definitions and expectations can be explored, but maybe they're not. Um I'm wondering uh from your perspective and the work that you do, uh, what do you think are some of the significant contributors uh to this uh kind of breakdown that that leads to infidelity and betrayal in relationships?

SPEAKER_01: 11:38

Besides this idea of assumptions and lack of communication, um, I think that that fuzzy period in the beginning to me sometimes feels very disingenuous. You know, I think that um the attraction leads the way and a lot is placed on that attraction. It has to do a lot of work of mixing these two lives into one or you know, creating something out of nothing. I think the intentionality, the purposefulness of, okay, if we're going to be in a relationship, here's what I expect from you, here's what I'm going to give as your partner, um, here's what it means to me for you to be present or to be faithful or to be um caring, we don't do that, right? We go off of the vibes of it all that I like you, you like me, I find you sexy or attractive, or I enjoy having sex with you, and so that should be enough to smooth over everything else. And then once enough time passes or something external occurs, then that pseudo-foundation gets shaken up, right? And we have to then decide okay, is there enough of something here to take the time to truly invest in this and to work on it? I think when people hear, you know, relationships are work, that sounds like, oh my God, we have to, you know, do all this stuff. But I think it can be fun work, it can be work that you enjoy and that you want to do because you want this thing that you're creating to mean something and to last. But if it is always toxic or difficult work, I think there's another sort of trope around love meaning struggle. And you know, if you struggle through enough or if you last through all these tough times, then it's real love. But I think some of that can be detrimental as well because if it's struggle and toxic and unhealthy, that's a sign, as we know as clinicians, that there's something fundamentally wrong, or maybe these two people shouldn't be together at all, and they have yet to realize it.

SPEAKER_00: 13:39

I feel like there's sort of a duality there. Um I I feel like we go into relationships thinking it should be easy, and it can be, and I guess maybe starts out that way uh during that phase of new relationship energy, but there is that element of struggle. Um, and and yes, definitely a barrier sometimes. Um I call it competing realities that that people have. And if there's not a willingness to share those and be open to those, um, it can definitely be challenging. Um, you touched on a little bit about uh your model, uh the integrative culinary therapy, um, and and how you approach that as far as interventions. Uh tell me uh more about these strategies and what you found useful and effective when you're helping these couples to heal from infidelity and betrayal.

SPEAKER_01: 14:29

Yes, so the model is not specifically for infidelity and betrayal, but as you said in the beginning, it is pervasive. And so this idea of betrayal is, I think, a part of most every romantic relationship after a certain point, right? Um, my fundamental principles going into creating ICT were about um trust and respect. That I think every couple's issue can be boiled down to some injury of trust or respect or both of those um relationship elements. And I think about trust as being more than just will you cheat on me or not or betray me or not, but rather can I be my most raw and vulnerable self with you? And do you know what to do with that version of me? Can you hold that part of me? And as far as respect, I think if you don't respect somebody, you don't care about how you treat them or how you talk to them, right? And so when I meet with a new couple, I'm listening for how does their issue or their unhealthy pattern fit into one or both of those buckets? And I'll introduce that concept to them that we're gonna focus on restoring trust or respect or both things. We're going to define what that means for each of you, um, what levels you think you have of that currently in the relationship, if those levels are not optimal or healthy, what can help restore them, when did it start to break down? And in the cooking space, we're really looking at um how can we sort of operationalize these things? How can we start to um do them on purpose? But there's some difficulty built into each cooking exercise. So, for example, there's one that each partner has to only use one hand to complete the recipe. And what happens with every single couple is they start to work independently, trying to accomplish this recipe using only one hand. And eventually I point out what they're doing, and then they begin to work together as one body with two hands. But that always interests me too, because I think the instinct to okay, we're going to tackle this task independently but together, can say so much about their relationship. Like, why is your instinct not to rely on your partner? Why is it not to take a minute to maybe game plan before you start to do this thing because you have this um other hurdle that you normally wouldn't have in a cooking setting or if you're doing a task together? So it isn't about learning how to cook, it isn't about necessarily um the cooking of it, but rather A, cooking and food have a really big role in the Black community and in most black cultures, regardless of ethnicity. Um, and so being in that space, I think makes therapy a little more transmutable for those couples. They're not sitting in a sterile office looking at me, looking at each other, feeling uncomfortable, we're doing something else. And if you think about going to dinner with friends or, you know, eating a meal with other people, you're more relaxed, you're more open to all kinds of conversation, and you have less rigidity to how you're approaching your own thoughts and feelings, and you're more open to hearing other people. That was sort of the brain child behind why cooking and therapy. But we also know that food and certain ingredients have different hormonal impacts for us as people, that the act of cooking is used in different kinds of therapy, with occupational therapy or you know, in different family therapy settings. So there is a mental health benefit to it. And I want the couples to mostly take away from it that when they're frustrated in this cooking session, because they always get frustrated, right? They always get activated and they argue, which I want them to do so I can see it, but so they can see themselves differently too. It's teaching them that even when we're frustrated, when we're angry, we can accomplish a task together, which is the recipe. But if we refer that like to their real lives, they can accomplish a task of solving a problem or making a decision together or completing a conversation productively together, right? That it it being mad doesn't mean that you get to be mean. And so if we can do it in this heightened setting of the oven's on, we're chopping things, we want to do this, you know, exercise that we're still talking while they're doing it, we're still having a full therapeutic conversation while it's happening. Um, they're able to self-regulate and see their partners in heightened fashion. And so they can think about well, whoa, my partner's getting really upset. What can I do in my sort of realm of control to mitigate that or to balance it? Um, and those things always relate so well to their relationship. There's so many parallels that come up with cooking, and it's in the research too that cooking can mimic the very issues a couple has in their relationship. Something about being in that space and doing that specific task brings up all of these things. And sometimes the couples will make their own connections. Sometimes I'll offer the connections, but it's never that this does not relate to what we do in our regular lives. It's always very, very similar or a very close parallel.

SPEAKER_00: 19:33

Oh, absolutely. I love how you've translated that into something that that is a real-world um activity uh for couples. And it's funny because so many of the times when I'm really trying to establish that foundational piece for couples of, you know, what do you still have together? What's something that you still do, a way to connect? So many times uh they've told me that it's cooking, um, but then go on to talk about some of the challenges that go along with that. And um, so I love the fact that you can implement this in such a way to point out um these places of encouragement that look at what you're doing for couples who can be so discouraged coming in um, you know, with their various challenges. So I really love that. Um so I wanted to uh kind of wrap up with just uh letting you talk a little bit about resources that you would recommend to couples who are navigating infidelity and betrayal.

SPEAKER_01: 20:38

Oh, very good question. I think there are lots of books and things you can read, right? There are all kinds of movies, whether they're popular media films or other like documentaries you can watch that could help. But ultimately, I think the best resource might be the people around you, your community. You know, a lot of times when couples come to therapy about infidelity, it's a secret. It's something that they're dealing with privately, nobody else knows but them and me. And then therapy becomes this really pressurized space because they're holding it in, they're not able to talk about it with anybody else, and then it all gets let out in this 45 minutes to an hour, and they bottle it back up again for their real lives. And so I think if you if the couple can find people, maybe another couple or another person that they can trust to not triangulate in an unhealthy way of you know being a referee or recruiting that person to their side like they do with us in therapy, um, try to do with us in therapy, but someone that they can let that out with, somebody that they can create another space besides just the therapy space where they can be open and honest about what they're going through. And I think that can be so cathartic in ways that people don't appreciate or um don't value as much as they should. So for all the books and things in the world, I think having just community support and having other people presumably would, you know, want to promote a healthy relationship and and support you as you try to work together and moving forward together. Um, but you know, having people around that can go on that journey with you, I think can be very, very transformative.

SPEAKER_00: 22:25

Yeah, absolutely. Uh and I know you have your own book that you wrote.

SPEAKER_01: 22:32

Yes. So I wrote a cookbook that is sort of like the ICT model condensed into a little um a little um a little book. It has recipes in it that are important to me and my family and my marriage, but are but there are also um psychotherapeutic exercises in the book that you can do. The book is sort of divided into sections of self-love, romantic love, familial love, and then love of others, so friends or family and community. And the recipes and exercises correspond with each category. So there's some recipes that for me are like really indulgent that I like to eat by myself and make for myself, and then there are exercises to do, like you know, with yourself that can help with your ideas about your relationship, about yourself. And then the second part of romantic love is the same. There are recipes that are important to me, my husband, or part of our relationship, and then exercises you can do with your partner, and so on. So um, that is called a palette for love, and it's a cookbook that you can find on Amazon.

SPEAKER_00: 23:31

And we will be linking that uh with the podcast as well. Um Wow. Um, Dr. Kenry, you are so inspiring. Like I said before, um, the work that you're doing is so important, it's meaningful. I I really appreciate you sharing your wisdom with us today. Um, and uh yeah, being being open to uh to your process. Um the the relationships that we build, our romantic relationships, is the foundation of our society and really sets the tone for you know how we all get along. And uh so I really, really appreciate you.

SPEAKER_01: 24:11

Thank you so much, Tracy. Thank you for having me and thank you for all your kind words.